Memory Is All We Have

My new blog

2009-03-08T09:36:00.001-05:00

Closing Time

2009-01-02T14:34:00.004-06:00

"And like that bully on the playground,
when you finally take a stand
and call him out when you've had enough
and really have nothing left to lose,
you know it can go 1 of 2 ways ~
he will either back down and leave or
stay and fight. But you've come too far
to back down. And you realize,
the choice he makes is insignificant,
just like him. This moment
is about you and the choices
you make, not about his voice,
the one rattling around
in his pockets along with the change he
stole. His story doesn't define you.
The only power he has is that which you've
given him. And suddenly, in your heart,
you feel your strength,
pounding through the tips of your fingers.
And being brave becomes less about
fighting and more about being able to
follow the quiet road that is being
laid out before you, the road
only you can see.
And the question becomes,
will you follow it?" - Casey Kurz, from her blog

My wife, Poemfish, asked me long ago to read a book called "Five Wishes." Although I said I would, I really really really didn't want to. My negative side kept telling me that it's utter self-help crap, and I believed it, and I refused to read it, even knowing it would probably only take me a few hours to complete, and it would bring a smile to my wife's face.

Instead, whenever I thought I might pick it up, I would fire up a video game or read some vaguely interesting and incomprehensible scientific discovery on the internet. Or I'd organize some photos, aimlessly putting them in folders, or I'd just waste time in some other way, probably watching some horrible show on TV. Anything but read that damned book.

Yet today, as she was away for the entire day at a creative workshop, and I decided to follow her lead and give it a go.

Let me say that, at first, I didn't enjoy it. My inner cynic kept screaming at me to stop. I kept picking apart the guy's words, asking myself how much money he's made so far writing this book.

At one point I said, "I could write a book like this and be rich - jerk!" I think I used stronger language than this though...

But for some strange reason I forced myself to stop that nonsense.

I sat down and read old posts from my wife's blog. Her words are filled with inspiration and hope. Her posts always seem to relate to this one theme, or message:

This world is what we make of it. Let's fight our fears and struggles, our insecurities and our demons - let's let them all go and see what we can make of this life.

I took time to pull out some Howard Zinn books, and I listened to his message:

Yes - this world is full of darkness and evil. Of oppression, hatred, and fear. Yet we can as individuals make a difference, and as an individual in a movement - we can change the world.

So I took a deep breath and decided to sit down and give the book a shot. I had to put aside my sometimes-not-so-hidden machismo and see if this book could do me some good.

...

And it did.

I hope.

As always - what I get out of this experiment will only be as powerful as I let it.

The five wishes I made could change my life.

They could be completely ignored.

Although I have an abundance of confidence, I'm not always the person I project to everyone around me. There are times where my confidence, my anger, my temperament, and my intellect are only disguises and distractions to the real me - the one who sometimes fears so much for the people he loves that he steps back away from them - the one who sometimes has so much hope for the world that he would be devastated if he couldn't change it, so he doesn't try - the one who still feels like he could have made a difference in his friend's life if he would have paid more attention - the one who feels his love of teaching fading as he focuses on the small, unimportant things - the one who finds it far too easy to find mindless solace in video gaming and aimless pursuits - the one who far too often fails to build on his wife's endless enthusiasm for life and, by taking the road most traveled, destroys opportunities for growth and living life to the fullest.

So allow me to end Memory - the blog I founded based on this idea:

We live in fragments of time, in a reality in which time passes so quickly, it's almost impossible to grab hold of what we are experiencing. Even thousands of photographs over a lifetime amount to mere minutes... in the end, memory is all we have.

The thing I now realize is that memory is not all we have. Thousands of photographs over a lifetime do not measure that person's life.

Instead, we have this moment. Right now. What we make of it is who we are.

thismomentisallwehave.blogspot.com

Retro

2008-12-30T08:18:00.002-06:00

A while ago my wife asked me if I heard of TTV photography. I had, but I didn't really know much about it - so I looked it up and thought it was cool. To surprise her, I bought her an old Brownie Reflex twin lens reflex camera off ebay, and then built a little contraption for the camera. It was WAY cooler than I thought it would be, and so I proceeded to get my own.

My wife and I went out with our cameras yesterday for the first time, and we were constantly amazed at how these weird contraptions could make the mundane seem surreal. It was VERY cool stuff. Here are some of mine:

Off the path

2008-12-07T10:02:00.003-06:00

I haven't updated in over a month. "Sigh..." - Back to the old me, I guess. Too lazy to share some photos or words of wisdom with everyone.

So I'm back, this time with an update to some of the trips I've taken recently.

First up: St. Louis. Great city - lots of stuff to do - but my most interesting photos were found on the way and back. These photos were taken of buildings and locations just off the highways - deep in the heart of the country in between small towns.

- I've seen this many times on the way to Brownville, NE - but I finally had a chance to stop and take a photo. I love the rusty old sign...

- This location is full of potential, just beyond Brownville too. The house this belongs to is filled with stuff - but the door is wide open. I will check out the inside next...

- This house is just full of good creepiness, with a cemetery literally next door. I imagine someone scouting this location for their next horror movie.

History

2008-11-05T16:31:00.000-06:00

Last night, we were a witness to history. Barack Obama spoke to an unbelievably large crowd during his acceptance speech, and those who were able to attend that event will forever hold a piece of that history with them. For those of us who witnessed this on TV, or through the internet, we too shared in the experience, although slightly muted through the glass screens.

And so we wake up today thinking things will be different.

Yet they aren’t. The economy is still in shambles. We are all still struggling. Millions face poverty. Racism and hatred still exist.

Hope, however, lives.

Obama spoke of what his Presidency will mean to millions of people in this country. He has a direct and unique understanding of what kind of symbol he has become, and will be.

He is a symbol for possibility within us all, black or white, for truly being the change we wish to see in the world. He is the symbol that shows us that all of us really can do the impossible. He won Virginia – that in itself is just stunning.

Let’s not be foolish to say that he will change this country. By himself, he is simply a man who has inherited probably the most difficult job of our time. He cannot fix the financial crisis, or our mortgage payments, our gas prices, or any of the hundreds of other problems this country faces.

Presidents get far too much credit for the good that happens, and far too much blame for the bad. It’s not saying that Presidents don’t have an impact – just look at the Bush Presidency – it’s simply saying that all truly great things that have happened in this country should not be attributed to a President.

The truly great things have happened because regular people have stood up and demanded that change.

Obama has taken a first step, and now it’s our job and responsibility to follow those footsteps, and then to branch out in other directions that we want to take.

McCain and his legions charged that Obama was nothing more than words and ideas. I would disagree, yet I might also say that sometimes words and ideas are all we need. After all, this nation was started with an idea, and our foundation was built on the strength of words written on paper.

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Poet

2008-10-30T09:03:00.006-05:00

My wife, the poet.
Every piece of art she does, the poet speaks.
Every photo she takes, the poet sings.
Every time she holds my hand, there is poetry in her touch.

Old School

2008-10-29T07:02:00.002-05:00

This is old school. 2003 film-camera old school, taken downtown during a poetry reading my wife was a part of. I was just learning photography and how to push film beyond ISO 400 (if I remember right, I pushed it to 1600 for this roll).

Photography was so different. You had to learn the hard way - by waiting till the film was developed. I remember spending hours shooting and then developing my film, only to see that I had screwed up the temperature or something stupid, effectively wasting all that time. I remember the smell of the chemicals and washing my hands over-and-over again, knowing the smell would be there no matter what.

Yet... there was still something magical about it. When a photo turned out, it was truly an experience that mattered. There was a bit more "substance" to it - as you carried it around with you like a gift, showing it to those important to you.

Too often now all my photos stay hidden on my hard drive, or uploaded to some website. Although I would never go back to film, there is no denying the magical quality of the final print, after hours in the darkroom.

Confidence

2008-10-21T19:03:00.006-05:00

First - read this:

http://poemfish.typepad.com/poemfish/2008/10/channeling-the-inner-rock-star.html

My wife is, absolutely, a rockstar. She's a natural artist in a way I could only dream of being. The post above was her first. HER FIRST try at off-camera lighting with two externally-fired lights.

Take a look around the internet for a minute, and search some photos for "off-camera lighting." Most don't look as good as my wife's, on her first attempt.

She often talks like I'm the guru - like I'm the guy who knows his stuff and can make a difference when we go off on a photoshoot. Yet what she always doesn't realize is that SHE is better than me. She's more talented than me. She can do everything I can, and better. She doesn't believe it, she probably would never admit it. But I admit it, and I'm proud to have her by my side at any photoshoot. She IS a rock-star, and I love her more than anything.

Casey - you are my inspiration in life, and I owe everything to you. Thank you for always being there and inspiring me to do better - and to always be "more" than I am right now (a reference to Batman Begins, of course).

Stress Relief

2008-10-08T20:10:00.003-05:00

I have been busier than I can remember in a long time. School is grinding this year - and it's very hard to keep my head above water. I'm learning all-new stuff for our school's news website, and we're still working on photography quite a bit.

What's sad is that my "fun" photoshoots - where I just grab a camera and go out for photos rarely happens anymore. It seems like I don't have time for the fun stuff when I still have thousands of photos to edit and shape up.

But I took some time yesterday to get out into the country and take some photos. It felt fantastic to pull to the side of the road and just listen to the wind run through the fields, and to see the deep blue sky scattered with clouds. I sat on the ground at one point and just took it all in. Here are some shots.

Fun!

2008-09-24T21:16:00.008-05:00

This took me forever, and any programmer would laugh at my first flash effort... but I had fun and it looks good! Yay!

Unexpected

2008-09-15T09:19:00.001-05:00

Friday Night Dreams

2008-08-30T08:36:00.003-05:00

The first game of the season. New coach. New players. The raw energy on the field before the kickoff was something you could almost touch and feel - as the players believed in the dream of winning this first game against the number 10 team in state.

Coach Heuertz in his first game as head coach - ever. He's trying to turn around a program that has one of the worst records over the past six years as anyone in the state. I'm sure he dreamed of winning this one, although realistically they didn't have much of a chance against a much more experienced team with far more returning players.

The players fought all night - and they were close to scoring several times, moving the ball downfield in what just might be some foreshadowing of success to come.

Yet at the end of the night, a loss is a loss, and many in the crowd just might be thinking "new coach, but same old results."

They weren't looking closely, or looking at what was important. Coach Heuertz is making a difference, and he's showing his players and the entire school the right way to play the game - on the field and in life.

He never once lost his cool, or his temper. He coached like crazy all the way to the end, and he never lost his positive attitude. While some of the coaches in the past would revert to maniacal tirades against referees, Heuertz showed more respect for the game.

Beyond all this, you could feel a different attitude on the sidelines than I've seen in the past. The players, while hurt by the impending loss, kept their spirits up and motivated each other to keep trying, and to fight till the end of the night.

While the dream of winning this game was quickly shattered, this school will rally around the new coach and the new attitude of the players. I believe this because the team believes, and the pursuit of the dream is sometimes more important than living it.

Resting

2008-08-23T06:47:00.003-05:00

Rest time for me is over. I'm back at school, and it feels like there never was a summer. It's so weird when I get back in the classroom, with a new set of students, and I'm in front of them talking to them about photography, journalism, and all kinds of other things... and it feels like I never left for two and a half months.

Teaching is so insane. These students come at you from completely different worlds - but if you're honest, and you're fair, and you're yourself - they will buy in and do the right thing... and you just might be able to make a difference in their lives.

This year I hope to take some time out for myself here and there, and to get out there and produce some art. I realize I have to take care of myself before I'm any good to these students. That means I have to force myself to grab a camera, get out in the world, and just enjoy the beauty that's everywhere. It means I have to take some time for myself and for my wife - because I'm a much better teacher when I'm rested and ready for the chaos of the day.

A flower for Casey

2008-08-05T14:22:00.005-05:00

In a sense - almost every photo I take of landscapes - of flowers - of the things I find beautiful in the world, I take for you, Casey. When I'm out without you with my camera, there are always things I see that I think: "I wish Casey were here to see this." So I snap a photo and can't wait to see your face when I show you later.

You have supported me through all of this photography stuff, and we've done amazing things with it together - but none of it would be possible without you.

You make me believe in possibilities I never imagined before. You make me think of a future that is full of change, excitement, and wonder. You bring happiness to my life every day.

Today is your birthday, and this picture (and every other) is for you.

HDR

2008-08-01T12:45:00.002-05:00

OK. So this is my first-ever HDR shot. I know it's not great - I took it while scoping a location for a wedding portrait session - but it's a classic example of an extreme-contrast situation.

What was cool is that I was able to do this hand-held because the Mark III has a shooting speed capable of bracketing out exposures from -3 to +3 in a little more than a half second or so. Couple that with the image-stabilized lens, and the Mark III becomes a capable hand-held HDR camera.

Although I'm still not sold on the HDR look, it's at least something worth investigating and another tool to throw into the creative toolbox.

Walls in Chicago

2008-07-29T19:04:00.001-05:00

False hope

2008-07-22T08:51:00.001-05:00

This sign is not true. Sadly.

Model Shoot

2008-07-06T07:15:00.003-05:00

With all the bad weather we have been having, we had to re-schedule these shots several times. This time the weather held up, the morning of the 4th of July, and my wife and I were able to get together with this aspiring model for portfolio shots.

Awesome stuff!

2008-07-02T07:18:00.000-05:00

1D Mark III ISO 100 f/3.2 @ 1/1600

Do work, son!

2008-06-30T09:57:00.002-05:00

I'm finally getting around to not being a sissy and submitting my work to magazines and galleries. This package is going to The Sun Magazine, which has already rejected me once before, years ago. Maybe this time they'll accept a photo or two... or maybe not.

Doesn't matter.

What matters is that I try. I always tell my students that nothing ever happens unless you try - unless you push yourself and take some risks... so now it's my turn.

Fun with Textures

2008-06-29T11:36:00.002-05:00

Mark III ISO 400 f/4 @ 1/320 w/ 70-200 2.8 IS L

My wife and I had a wedding last night, and it was a lot of fun. The Mark III rocked the house.

Just for fun, we went out this morning and shot hundreds of textures downtown - and this was one that really seems to work. I've got to do more to experiment, but it looks like they will add a dimension to our overall presentation we give to our clients. Good stuff.

Last Chance

2008-06-23T23:35:00.004-05:00

1D Mark III - 24-104mm f/4 - 1/40 @ f/4 ISO 1600

My wife and I stopped by a Carnival at the Crossroads Mall parking lot last night. We had seen it there all week, but kept putting off photographing it. We were close to staying home and doing it another night, but it's a good thing we didn't. Talking with one of the people there, it was the last night in town. We took a few cool photos, but more than anything it was just fun being spontaneous and being there with my wife on a beautiful night.

Mystery

2008-06-19T07:32:00.003-05:00

1D Mark III - 35mm 1.4L - 1/4000 @ f/1.4

Places like this fascinate me. Out in the countryside, homes like this exist all over - abandoned, run-down, and frozen in time.

When I'm there, on a day like this, I can't help but imagine what things were like when people lived here. Were there children running and playing on the hill, dashing in between the trees? Or was the land always subdued, sad, and quiet?

It's part of the mystery, and why love to photograph these places.

Support

2008-06-17T14:22:00.003-05:00

Outside of my wife, Catie just might be my biggest supporter. She often comments on my blogs, tells her friends about my site, and has always been around with kind words about things I've been working on - like the Omaha Project and our portraits and weddings. The funny thing is that she was around at school, as a student, the first time I ever picked up a camera from the former teacher and asked him how to even load the thing. It was before I even knew what an f/stop was, and now, seven years later, she's still there with me as I try to expand my photographic skills.

She's also always ready for photographs, and is a natural in front of the camera. Today we went out to a park so I could practice using a two flash setup with pocket wizards and my Mark III, and it was totally fun. She's a natural in front of the camera, and it's no pressure on me since we go "way back," allowing me the ability to act clueless and to take time to figure things out.

Thanks for all the support, Catie! Here are a few more, and the rest are on a custom gallery on www.jzportraits.com

Focusing...

2008-06-16T05:49:00.005-05:00

Three shots taken with the new Mark III that came in the mail the day before my brother-in-law's wedding reception, showing the power of what the new camera can do.

The group shot was taken on fully automatic focusing mode, with the camera set to "machine gun." Every single shot taken (more than 30 over the course of a few seconds) is in focus. The camera was able to intelligently decide the subject, figure out how fast it was moving toward the camera, and keep up with the focus every step they took. Unbelievable.

The second shot was taken with the 85mm 1.8 lens - a lens that usually sits in my closet. With every other DSLR I've had, the thing was way too erratic, simply because at 1.8 the focus is so shallow that I would almost never focus on what I wanted it to... but with the Mark III, almost all of the 100 or so shots I took with the thing are focused... and that includes some really low-light, tough situations.

Finally, the last shot is of Ira, my father-in-law. It's taken at ISO 3200, and hasn't had any post-processing done to reduce noise. The noise level in the shot is simply stunning and now allows me to shoot at ISO 3200 at a wedding when I'd only go to 1600 before.

Nearly every shot was in focus the entire night. Every one. Even when it was extremely dark and muddy (indoors with artificial light) I was getting shots I wouldn't have thought I'd get before without taking dozens of photos and hoping for the best.

The night was a blast, and the Mark III helped me capture the moments. I think that makes it worth the money...

One more IR

2008-06-12T07:09:00.002-05:00

Another IR before moving on to different shots...

Flexing

2008-06-10T06:41:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, in order to get better, you have to flex your muscles, or work them out. Using a infrared filter on a lens seems to have that effect on me in photography.

The Hoya R72 filter, when placed on the lens, seems to cancel out pretty much all light visible to our eyes. When you look through the viewfinder, it's a bit of a shock, as you might think your camera is broken - all you see is black.

You pretty much can't trust your light meter, and although the autofocus does seem to work, you might not be sure what you're focusing on, not to mention the exposures being so slow it's almost impossible to use a high f/stop without a tripod (and I hate tripods).

It's kind of light the film days - when you'd have to do the best you can, make a very educated guess, and see what happens when you get the film developed...

It's exciting because it slows me down, makes me think, and humbles me just a little bit. All good stuff for the photographic brain.

The shot above was taken at f/13 and one full second on the shutter. I had placed the camera on the ground and took just two photos at different exposures. This one worked out the best.

Dream World

2008-06-09T20:11:00.001-05:00

My wife keeps describing the photos taken with the infrared filter as "dream like." I'd have to agree. Very cool.

Opportunities

2008-06-09T08:55:00.002-05:00

My wife and I went out late last night to catch a few night shots of the Mutual of Omaha Banner put up for the Olympic swimming trials in Omaha. Far too often we miss these things - but we made an effort to get out there. I actually brought my tripod for once, even though tripods are mostly for sissies.

BONUS SHOT: BEHIND THE SCENES

Five years and counting...

2008-06-07T18:44:00.005-05:00

This is my 200th post. No big deal, really, except to say that it comes the day after my five year wedding anniversary.

To celebrate, my wife and I took to the countryside, visiting Brownville, NE - a small town at the edge of Nebraska - a town that hangs on despite the odds against it still being there. We visited art galleries, had a tour of the winery, and had some time to walk around and take some photos.

It was a blast, and we followed it up by visiting Lincoln's art district that night for First Friday. It was a surprise to meet some old friends and chat about their artistic adventures, and it was just fun to check out the galleries, hold hands, and smile all night.

Life is so strange and full of impossibilities. I'd have to say that I would never consider myself a photographer if it weren't for the belief and encouragement my wife has in me.

Through the 200 posts in this blog, you can see me grow, from a very rough beginner to a pretty damned good photographer. I owe everything to my wife, as she's the one who has been there for me every step, making me believe that I could be something more.

It's been five years of Marriage - 200 posts in this blog - and I can't wait to see what kind of photographer I'll be like in another five years and a few hundred more posts. Whatever changes happen, I'll owe it all to my wife.

Thanks, Casey, for five of the greatest years in my life.

Direction

2008-05-20T18:28:00.002-05:00

Sometimes it's tough to know what the right choice is. You have to ask yourself if the road you've been traveling on is the right one - or if another route might work best.

I'm making some changes in my newspaper class that will take us on a completely different road... exciting, but somewhat scary. Let's hope it's the right road for us to be on.

Look up

2008-05-07T22:04:00.002-05:00

Sometimes beauty can be found in the simplest, most common of things. I wish I took the time more often to notice.

The Naked Cowboy

2008-05-04T18:09:00.001-05:00

Hello again, everyone. Sorry for the absence. I just returned from a school-sponsored trip to Chattanooga, and I'm still getting my bearings. Over the past few months, I've done more traveling than most of my life!

Here is a shot from Times Square (where else?) of the Naked Cowboy. It was madness around him, with everyone giving him money and asking him to pose for photos. Great stuff, and he really seemed like a nice guy. I love this photo!

Letting Loose

2008-04-23T17:29:00.002-05:00

So today was just another day, until I watched a video sent to me in a mass email at school.

If you know me, I almost never watch those things, and make fun of them more than not, but I was a bit bored of editing papers and wanted to take a break. So I watched it.

The video, and my wife's wonderful blog (http://poemfish.typepad.com/poemfish/2008/04/the-right-time.html), really hit home with me, and made me realize that I wasn't being myself this year - that I was focusing on the wrong things as a teacher.

Sometimes I get too caught up in the little details. This year I've been so stressed out at the small stuff that I've actually yelled at students - and that's just not me. It's not who I am as a teacher, and not who I ever want to be, period.

So today I showed my newspaper class the video, and I teared up as I told them how hard it's been for me, and how I didn't want to be that guy. I asked them to remember to try to let go of the little things - the "he said/ she saids" that so often disrupt young lives. I asked them to look at their lives and ask themselves how they can choose, every day, to have a better one than the last. I told them that I would do the same. More than half of them rushed me with a "group hug."

My problem has been tunnel vision: "WE MUST GET THE YEARBOOK AND NEWSPAPER DONE!" has been my theme... and all the commas must be right... always write "said" and never says with quotes... everything must be written in AP Style... etc. I've forgotten that the yearbook and newspaper is, absolutely, not worth having a bad day over, and what's important is to help the students become better people.

So I convinced my editor-in-chief to let us all go out and play touch football. We did, and it was awesome. We laughed, we didn't keep score, and I moved faster than the students thought possible. Two students took pictures - a few decided to sun bathe rather than play - but we all had fun just goofing off. No deadlines - no drafts - just getting together as a class and bonding a bit.

I need to remember that I must be the example for my students - and that I should, and will, choose to have a great day, every day.

Chance Ridge

2008-04-14T05:12:00.004-05:00

I've been waiting for this photo for around ten years. It's out near my in-law's house in Elkhorn, NE. I've driven by this spot hundreds of times, and each time when I see it, I think to myself "that would make a cool shot."

I tried a few times - but they all stunk. They were flat. They contained the phone lines just above. Or they just had poor composition.

Maybe this time, I finally got a good photo. I got closer. I put more depth-of-field in the photo. I "composed" the shot, and then I added some effects in Photoshop.

Poem Ten

2008-04-13T05:11:00.005-05:00

This is a spot in a back alley in New Hope, PA, just off the main tourist-trap street. I walked right by the scene before it registered in my brain moments later. I stepped back and grabbed some shots with the my Pentax.

Poem Nine

2008-04-12T05:11:00.002-05:00

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

Langston Hughes

Poem Eight

2008-04-11T05:10:00.002-05:00

you're keeping in step
in the line
got your chin held high and you feel just fine
because you do
what you're told
but inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold

just how deep do you believe?
will you bite the hand that feeds?
will you chew until it bleeds?
can you get up off your knees?
are you brave enough to see?
do you want to change it?

what if this whole crusade's
a charade
and behind it all there's a price to be paid
for the blood
on which we dine
justified in the name of the holy and the divine

just how deep do you believe?
will you bite the hand that feeds?
will you chew until it bleeds?
can you get up off your knees?
are you brave enough to see?
do you want to change it?

so naïve
to keep holding on to what I want to believe
i can see
but i keep holding on and on and on and on

will you bite the hand that feeds you?
will you stay down on your knees?

NIN - Trent Reznor

Poem Seven

2008-04-10T05:58:00.001-05:00

Poem Six

2008-04-09T05:56:00.004-05:00

A Clear Midnight
by Walt Whitman

This is thy hour O Soul, thy free flight into the wordless,
Away from books, away from art, the day erased, the lesson
done,
Thee fully forth emerging, silent, gazing, pondering the
themes thou lovest best,
Night, sleep, death and the stars.

Poem Five

2008-04-08T05:55:00.005-05:00

I wait.
I compose myself.
My self is a thing I must now compose, as one composes a speech.
What I must present is a made thing, not something born.

Margaret Atwood - from The Handmaid's Tale

Poem Four

2008-04-07T05:54:00.003-05:00

THEIR NAMES

Their names linger on the tongue:
Fallujah, Ramallah, Samarra, Ryad --
Like water, whispers, illicit love.

But in the rubbled streets
Fear, hunger and flames
Embrace flesh, whole families

Burning homes to ground
Memories to ashes
All that was precious to the dead

But is of no value on this earth
To the living who ignite the fires
The ones who erase their names.

- Nancy Metcalf - http://www.poetsagainstthewar.org

Poem Three

2008-04-06T05:53:00.003-05:00

On Deaf Ears - by One Minute Silence

Nobody listens any more to the lies
Is there a woman who keeps swallowing flies
Is there a Jesus waiting arms open wide
Too many stories, and too many.

Nobody listens any more to the trees
All moving too fast turning birds into bees
Some say the hurricane will soon be a breeze
I want to see it I want to believe

Wake up and smell the roses trust me and leap
The hand that rocks the cradle rocks you to sleep
It's not what you think it's not what you see
Is there a future or is it just me

Poem Two

2008-04-05T05:51:00.005-05:00

The hills find peace
Locked armed guard posts
Safe from the screams
Of the children born as ghosts
Gates guns and alarms
Shape the calm of the dawn
Peering down into the basin
Where death lives on
When young run foaming at the mouth with hate
When burning batons beat the freezing who shake
Under the toxic sunsets they dine and toast
Of walls deny the terror faced
By the children born as ghosts

-Zach de la Rocha

Poem One

2008-04-04T05:34:00.003-05:00

Democracy

Democracy will not come
Today, this year
Nor ever
Through compromise and fear.

I have as much right
As the other fellow has
To stand
On my two feet
And own the land.

I tire so of hearing people say,
Let things take their course.
Tomorrow is another day.
I do not need my freedom when I'm dead.
I cannot live on tomorrow's bread.

Freedom
Is a strong seed
Planted
In a great need.

I live here, too.
I want freedom
Just as you.

Langston Hughes

REBOOT

2008-04-03T06:14:00.002-05:00

To match my new commitment to posting more often, I've made some changes to memory. All archives are still there - but there will be only one post on the main page for daily updates. Photo size was also increased, and a new header published. I hope everyone likes the changes...

All of my photos this month will be themed as poetry - in spirit with my wife's post on National Poetry Month (http://poemfish.typepad.com/poemfish/2008/04/sidewalks-and-s.html).

Poetry Month

2008-04-02T16:13:00.000-05:00

This is how I write poetry -

with light.

G9 Love

2008-03-28T18:28:00.000-05:00

I just might be in photography heaven. While it's cool and all to lug around the 5D or 40D out when I'm taking photos, sometimes it's a drag. While the quality, when matched with L glass, is just outstanding, the gear is big, heavy, and intimidating. The G9, however, is a whole different ball game. The photos below were all taken today - all with a camera that fits in my pocket and was a joy to use. Not one photo is blurry or missed focus. The camera was reliable, fun, and gave me a new perspective. While the high ISO photos are horrendous and mostly not useable, and the widest you can go is around 35mm, under the right conditions this camera packs a powerful punch.

New stuff

2008-03-05T18:59:00.000-06:00

www.jzportraits.com

My new personal site. Oh - and comments now enabled on memory (for you, Rob).

Lost my way...

2008-03-02T13:27:00.000-06:00

I finally updated: http://theomahaproject.blogspot.com/ .

I don't know why, but getting out there and working on the project has just been so difficult for me. Maybe it's because it's a bit of a depressing project... like someone looking out a window afraid of the truth the world has to offer them.

Past its prime

2008-02-24T13:35:00.000-06:00

Growing

2008-02-23T12:02:00.000-06:00

Inspiration

2008-02-12T21:51:00.000-06:00

I think I’m finally starting to believe.

While I’m not really fond of putting too much political talk on this blog, I can’t help but be impressed by Obama and an honest opportunity for change in this country.

I don’t know where the historian Howard Zinn stands in this election, I can’t help but think he’s impressed by the youth that is out there supporting Obama, and the unprecedented number of people paying attention. To me, this is what the election is about, and I finally believe that there is a possibility of change.

It’s taken a while for me to get here. I’ve written before about politicians and my skepticism of their ability to actually do anything. Obama now seems capable of this – but not because I think he can change things on his own.

As a teacher I’ve not seen this level of attention given to a political candidate. My students know what’s going on. They know the candidates. Although you would hope that they would always know – they simply don’t normally pay attention.

Obama has them riveted.

So maybe there is something more to this election than one man. Maybe Obama has the message and the chance to bring in the rest of the population into the mix.

Zinn is fond of seeing history through the eyes of the people – how people change things, not politicians. I agree… and I now think that Obama may be the first politician in my lifetime that can inspire young people of all races and beliefs to get outside their doors and change the world.

As I watched the speeches McCain and Obama gave, the differences were striking.

McCain was surrounded by old white men and women. You could almost smell the dust in the air. In his speech he tried to warn against believing too much in a message that the Democrats might bring. It seemed he was trying to warn people that Obama was falsely offering a vision of America that could never be. I didn’t believe a word of what he said, and he represents everything I despise in politics.

Obama gave me chills. I watched the crowd around him, and the faces there were youthful and vibrant. They were inspired and roared approval throughout. More than anything, they were hopeful . Sure – Obama’s words are powerful, and his charisma is simply unmatched – but I think there is something more in the air than another politician who knows what to say and how to say it.

The people in that audience see not only what Obama can do for the country as President, but also an opportunity to be a part of that change. Not just change that is cast with a vote – but change in their own lives that they can control.

Not very long ago at all, black men and women were not allowed to vote in this country, and yet right now we are on the brink of possibly having a black President. Mr. McCain warns us of the dangers of hoping too much, yet if we never believed in hope and the possibility of change, then Obama would have never stood on that stage tonight giving that speech.

I don’t believe one man or woman can change this country, even if they are President. We must always remember that the civil rights movement was not a movement that was started or even championed by politicians. Real people were there, fighting and sometimes dying for the hope of a better America. Regular people with bravery I could never imagine would protest - would fight - would bleed. What we are seeing now, with Obama on that stage, is a result of their pain. We are seeing their hope, even if we still have along way to go.

I believe that an inspired America is one to watch out for – one that I can finally be hopeful for and believe in again.

Sign me up.

I used to suck

2008-01-30T17:45:00.000-06:00

I was recently going through the archives to get ready for a new art show we've got coming up. In doing so, I forced myself to go through some really old stuff. You know it's old stuff when I see jpegs coming up - back when life was simple and I didn't have to convert all the RAW files that fill up six hard drives and counting...

I used to drive around and try to find cool things... exactly like I do now. Except now, when I find cool things, I know how to photograph them.

A recurring theme for me is photographing graveyards. I love them, and each time I go, there are new things to photograph. Back in the day, I just wasn't very good at it. The picture here, taken with some really unflattering, harsh light, just doesn't work. I, of course, was trying to do "framing" and I probably thought I was being cute... but the final photograph lacks any kind of complexity, and it's just dull.

I've always liked old trucks. this one is especially cool, but it's ruined by me using the camera on program mode, shooting (again!) with some horrible lighting conditions, and trying to get the entire truck in the photo.

Here is me tragically trying to take pictures of trees that I thought were cool... but taking bad photos of those trees.
Things began to change, close to when my buddy Zach began to get into photography. Here, on one of our photo trips, is Zach at Toadstool national parks in Nebraska. My photos are getting better at this point, even in the harsh mid-day sunlight coming down through the clouds.

Here, on another trip to a small town (again with Zach), is a somewhat cool photo of a cemetary grave marker juxtoposed with the town's water tower in the background. At this point, it's still pretty bad light, but I'm getting better and trying to be a bit more visually stimulating.

More recently, at the Botanical gardens, I didn't take one photo of the ENTIRE building to the left. I just focused on the unique details, and came out with much cooler stuff.

Now, at this point, I'm beginning to think in terms of the final print and what my audience will see. I'm now learning how to communicate the beauty I find to the world in ways that simply make for better photos.

I'm still learning, and that's what makes it fun. I hope I'm still saying the same thing when I'm 70.

Hollow men

2007-12-30T08:34:00.000-06:00

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.

-t.s. eliot

Tripods are for sissies

2007-12-21T05:55:00.000-06:00

Studio Macros

2007-12-15T06:49:00.000-06:00

Almost Christmas

2007-12-08T17:31:00.001-06:00

These photos can't even begin to truly show the beauty within this precious little girl, and the love she is surrounded with. We had an all-too-short family gathering today, and Avery was able to open up a few gifts early. I have a feeling Santa will be generous with this one.

20 Minutes

2007-12-05T18:44:00.000-06:00

Just got a new 10mm fisheye and 31mm 1.8 limited for the Pentax K10D, so I took them out for 20 minutes to the cemetary near my house. I can't say enough about the K10D. It's becoming my favorite camera - and coupled with these amazing lenses, it's really showing me what it can do. I felt refreshed and empowered with it in my hands, and I'm looking forward to spending more than 20 minutes shooting with them. These photos aren't bad for the limited time using them in the field.

Surprise!

2007-12-05T06:20:00.001-06:00

My wife is the best. I came home yesterday, and she had a small gift on my keyboard - this awesome Christmas tree ornament with a zombie on it. We promptly got dressed, headed out, and picked up our tree.

Thank you, Casey! You bring the true joy of the holiday season into my life.

Frost

2007-12-01T13:06:00.000-06:00

Chapter Two

2007-11-06T19:59:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you meet people that change your life - or at the very least your perspective. Jessica is one of those people.

She walked into my classroom as just another student. She passed by on the way to her seat, quietly. It wasn't too long before I could tell she was a great student. She had that connection with what was going on that told the teacher she was "with you." She understood.

Soon she was a superstar, working on the yearbook in her photography class, and very quickly becoming the editor of the book her senior year.

Her senior year was rough, and I've never worried more about a student that year than I did for her. She made it through though. That's what she does - she's tough.

We've stayed close ever since I watched her graduate. My wife and I go to movies with her and her boyfriend, I cook them dinner, and even though we are from a different generation, we find endless things to talk about.

She's changed my life. She's made me realize that you really do meet people, out of the blue, that you accept as family. She really is family in the true sense of the word.

I worry about her like I worry about my neice. I sometimes think back and wonder if she knows how much fun I had in school with her, and how I miss her being there, even two years later. The classroom just doesn't feel right without her being there.

There are new, amazing, powerful, and scary things going on in her life right now, and I hope she knows that my wife and I will be here for her if she ever needs us. Jessica has faced impossible odds, over and over, and has come through each time a better person for it. She has taught me the value of determination, of looking at the bright side of things, and of never giving up, even when everything in the world tells you to. When I have bad days, sometimes I think of how Jess might deal with things.

Casey and I love you, Jess. We know the best is still ahead for you, and we can't wait to watch it unfold. We'll be there taking pictures, cooking you dinners, and having a blast the whole time.

Enjoy this new chapter in your life. We'll be there by your side.

Dad the pilot

2007-11-04T19:33:00.001-06:00

Yup. This is my dad again. He's playing Ace Combat 6 for the Xbox 360. I invited my dad over to watch the big Patriots-Colts game, but I think we had more fun playing games. He also did some test driving of a Viper in a racing game, and he smashed the car around the track the entire time.

Good times. I do love my dad, no matter how difficult he makes it.

Fading Light

2007-11-03T06:35:00.000-05:00

This is the sound that light makes when it fades.

Testing

2007-10-24T06:17:00.001-05:00

A couple cool test shots with the school's new Pentax K10D camera. Pretty cool camera!

Another scene

2007-10-07T19:03:00.000-05:00

A cool location my wife and I found. She blasted away with her lensbaby while I did this one. I added a texture of a wall I found on a building next to an old repair shop.

Impossible

2007-10-06T16:18:00.000-05:00

99 times out of 100, these shots would have been impossible. However, today, I had a little pocket point-and-shoot with me.

You see - I'm not that photographer that "always has his camera with him." As a matter of fact - I almost never do.

But I had borrowed a new pocket digital from school that the new technology people ordered. I wanted to check it out and learn how to use it so I could show the students.

Guess what. I'm buying one. Immediately.

Although my multi-thousand-dollar digital camera would blow this one out of the water in image quality (pixel-for-pixel), it doesn't matter how good the camera is - it's worthless when you see a shot and you don't have it with you. With the pocket digital, you can carry it wherever you go, and it doesn't weigh a ton (the two main complaints I have with carrying my 5D everywhere I go).

I really will never laugh at someone with a little point-and-shoot. I won't consider them "amateurs."

Never again - because I just might be that guy.

Mundane

2007-10-06T11:50:00.000-05:00

The photographs you see are what I find beautiful in the world.

They are more than landscapes.

They are a representation of what I feel when I'm in the scene, trying desperately to hold on to the beauty before me.

In them I can still feel the breeze softly whispering to me, asking me to stay longer.

I can smell the dirt roads and old wood while the warmth of the sun comforts me.

In these photographs I can still feel the emptiness of an abandoned barn, standing bravely against the elements. One day it will fall, but for now stands defiant.

The photographs are places we've all been before, often mundane, every-day scenes, but they are an offering to you to share, for just a moment, a moment of beauty in my life.

Carving in stone

2007-10-02T19:23:00.000-05:00

My only ever-fading memory of this place as a young person is my mother telling me that tourists had defaced these rock walls. It's at Indian Cave State Park in Nebraska - aptly named for its cave that, long ago, was marked only by the native people who stood on this land.

I remember the disgust I felt when my she told me that other people had come here and carved their own meaningless words into the walls. Dates - names - lovers - random obscenities. Her words about the place have been with me ever since, and I have always had a degree of hatred for the people who carved these things.

The more I think about this though, the harder time I have to find much fault in the people who made these carvings.

Don't we all want something more substantial than this life we lead? Don't we all want something that will be left behind as a remembrance?

Yet no matter what we do and no matter how loud we scream - we will fade away, and everything around us will be gone.

There is a precious, beautiful truth in in that idea. It is this: that what we do in this life matters. It's all we have, and the only thing we can believe in.

Say what you want about religion, or multiple universe theories, or any kind of afterlife you might believe in. This world would be a better place if we stopped acting as though what we do only gets us somewhere "better" after we're dead.

This is our time. All of ours - old and young - rich and poor - to live this life the way we know we should. We only have this one chance to do things right.

Carving in stone is just not enough. Faith is not enough. Our words, our acts, our gifts must be the way we define ourselves. Forgiveness, the most difficult of human acts, should be our guiding light.

More than a legacy that will also fade, we should live our lives knowing that this is all we can truly bank on - and that the life we lead right now matters. Our acts will weave through the future, and although no one will know our name, may they carry on what we have started.

Shattering the blue

2007-09-29T06:23:00.000-05:00

"To create one's world in any of the arts takes courage. I have been terrified every day of my life, but that has never stopped me from doing everything I wanted to do.
To make your unknown known - that is the important thing."

- Georgia O'Keefe

I am afraid of my own art.

Although I like to tell my wife that she's got a lot of great stuff - that she will succeed as an artist, I scoff at the same idea for myself and my photography.

I define myself as a high school teacher. Yet I also love the art of photography.

Take this cloudy sky. I shot it during a very brief moment at a wedding we had a month or so ago. I had a moment of stunned disbelief at the beauty of the clouds and the sunlight violently shattering the blue. I imagined myself out somewhere, in the country, taking photos at that moment, the breeze gently rolling through a valley, breathing in the beauty around me.

I love those quiet moments with the camera. The scenes I find sometimes literally takes my breath away - and all I can do is stand there for a moment taking it all in. Then I frame the photo and capture it for others to see.

The thing is, and I don't want to sound conceited, but I'm pretty good. But for some reason I don't want others to know it...

I laugh when we do art shows because my "photography never sells."

This isn't really true - and it's always my wife who reminds me of this.

I've had individual people pay hundreds of dollards for my art - people who find my captured moments of beauty close to their heart.

Yet... doubt and disbelief settle in like good friends coming over to talk about old times.

The truth is that I've never really tried. It's staggeringly easier to say to myself, quietly, "I'm not good enough," and let it be. And although I want to scream at my wife when she has some self doubt (because her art has always succeeded), I don't follow my own advice, even if I can say that I am pretty good.

There is an artist inside me, waiting.

Lurking.

Trying to get out and be something - to say something true.

Maybe some day I'll have the courage, like my wife, to speak.

2007-09-23T18:39:00.000-05:00

This Tuesday.

Epic.

Dreaming

2007-09-20T06:07:00.001-05:00

Some days my life does feel like a dream - a good one. I came home last night after a long day, stressed out and tired beyond words. School has been pretty hectic for me, and there's just so much going on, it seems hard to catch up and spend some time just enjoying life.

I stay up at night thinking about all the things I have to do at school, and I wake up earlier every day because my restless nights are filled with the same thoughts. It's sick. I know it.

But last night, as I walked to the door, my wife had put a "Welcome Home" sign up. It instantly made me smile.

I walked in and saw here at the table, candles lit, and dinner on the table. Music played in the background, and all my worries and stress just oozed off my shoulders. Her dinner was fantastic, and we sat together and talked for a while, just enjoying each other's company.

It feels good to be loved and to live a dream.

Thank you, Casey.

Together

2007-09-15T07:53:00.000-05:00

This is a "photo poem." It's a photo I took matched with my wife's writing. What's cooler than that?

My wife is, without a doubt, the most talented person I've ever met. Her writing is filled with so much emotion and truth - with hope and passion - that it brings out new and exciting views of my photography.

Her art and writing inspires me. Her outlook on life, even in a dark world, gives me hope.

Her love makes everything worth it.

Catie

2007-09-01T23:37:00.000-05:00

Shooting with Catie was amazing. It started off with us just experimenting with some flash setups, but when I couldn't get things to work like I wanted, I abandoned the flash and just took photos. Catie was a rockstar, and I can't imagine having more fun!

Time

2007-08-19T10:10:00.000-05:00

It doesn't seem like it's possible, but next week begins my sixth year of teaching high school. It's a completely unreal feeling, thinking that I've been doing this for five years.

It's cliche' to say "it seems like yesterday," - but it does.

My first year is such a blur to me. I remember coming to school from my apartment, trying to just survive the day. I remember spending hours and hours preparing, lesson planning, and just THINKING about what I was going to do the next day. Of course, I could never predict what was to happen, so I always felt like I could have done more.

It's so different now. While teaching still takes a considerable amount of time, the time spent is just so much more fun than ever before.

I've learned to give the power to the students. They can handle it if you teach them how.
I've learned to say no. Often. Repeatedly. Without argument. It makes saying "yes" so much more meaningful.
I've learned that you absolutely can have fun in class while challenging the students.

I've learned that, even in the chaotic mess of the school day, and in this wild world we live in - I absolutely can make a difference.

I can't wait for this year, this adventure, to begin.

Avery

2007-08-01T08:24:00.001-05:00

This is my second cousin, Avery.

The title sounds so weird. A "second cousin" sounds like someone I'd only meet every five years, at some weird family reunion, and I'd say "Wow - you look different... it's been like five years since I saw you." Then they'd laugh and that'd be it as we politely avoided each other because we didn't have anything to say.

Avery is not that kind of a second cousin.

Her mother, Becky, is much more of a sister to me. I grew up with Becky and spent a lot of time with her family when I was young - so she's always been close to my heart.

Now she's a mother, and I can't keep my eyes dry as I write this.

Yesterday, as I looked at Avery with a strange sense of bewilderment, amazement, and awe(That's a baby! That's Becky's baby!), it was hard not to have flashes of her future pass before me.

She has amazing parents and a family full of warmth and love. She will never know the sting of her parent's divorce, the crushing pain of abuse, or the abandonment of her own dreams.

Her life will be one in which all things are possible. She has people in her life that will fight for her dreams - that will make sure her future is one that is filed with truth and beauty - of strength and hope.

I can see her holding hands with her parents, laughing, playing, dreaming, hoping, and loving.

She will treat animals as the precious gifts they are.

She will love to eat.

The color purple will always be special to her.

She will brag that she has the coolest grandparents on the face of the Earth.

Her aunt will spoil her and will always be close to her, even if there is physical distance between them.

There will be thousands of photographs of her.

She will make a difference in this world.

Most importantly, she will never know how lucky she is.

That's the way it should be.

Hope

2007-07-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

Every animal I've ever had in my life has been special.

Every one.

So it shouldn't be shocking to say that this one has a special spot in my heart.

I've written about her before, so you might know the story. The short version: she was found, being kicked around by stupid kids at the school I teach for, in the middle of winter. She was a kitten. She was cold. I took her in.

Now she's a part our life. My wife and I are constantly amused and amazed by her tender, playful soul, and we wouldn't know what to do without her. She belongs here as much as we do. Like the other two cats in our home - this is her home. We're just paying the bills.

Every time I look at her - every time I play with her and watch her jump through the air gracefully, I think of what could have happened to her if I hadn't taken her in.

Who knows? I don't want to even think about it.

She has brought us so much love and warmth, that I can honestly say bringing her home was one of the best things I've ever done in my life... and at the time it was such an honest decision - simply to follow my heart.

Hope, even for small, cold and afraid little animals exists. That makes me smile.

Not enough napkins

2007-07-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

They only gave me two napkins for a ten napkin meal.

Best BBQ on Earth.

The Last Great Journalist

2007-07-06T14:43:00.001-05:00

Those closest

2007-07-04T14:29:00.000-05:00

Dad... What can I say?

It's a tough one - writing about him. I love him, of course, but he's just so difficult to be around sometimes. He's so moody and thinks he knows the best about everything, that it's tough sometimes just to go to the store with him. He'll tell you you're closing the door too hard, and that it will break the door eventually. He tells you your going to fast - or slow - or that you are too quick on the clutch - or that you shouldn't have stopped at that stop sign - and then where to park and how to park. This happens every. single. time. we go somewhere.

So it's tough sometimes - showing him the love you have for him when you're with him.

But love him I do.

In the past few years, he's really turned to me for conversation. He doesn't really have friends - and although he lives with my mom, my sister, and his granddaughter, he doesn't feel like he can talk to them. They're females - and what does he have to say to them?

So he pulls me downstairs to show me his latest models (of course, they are all boxed up and put away), talk about cars, and show me the kind of deals he's gotten lately (he has, probably, twenty .50 cent watches he's purchased at garage sales). He teaches me how to charge un-rechargeable batteries (not a good thing), how to paint models using a home-made spray box, and rummages through cut-outs of magazine and newspaper articles he saves about cars and random stuff.

He has a serious desire to teach me things. He always wanted me to learn how to fix cars (he was a mechanic), work with wood, and build things for myself. I think because he was always so difficult - I didn't want to learn. Because no matter what he tried to teach you - you were never really good enough, and the critiques became endless.

I remember going to him time and again to show him my latest drawings. Every once in a while, he would nod and smile (and make my day) - but most of the time he would tell me it wasn't good enough.

Even the other day, he came over for dinner, and told me that the photos we have all over the walls just don't cut it. He told me "you have to do something different! Those look like they were from the 70's."

Now... you have to take that with a grain of salt. His eyes are so bad I seriously doubt he even knew what the subject matter was. Yet it hurt all the same.

My father. He's a tough one to get along with... but there will be a day when I miss his nagging and his desire to teach me more. Maybe I need to take the time to let him teach me a few things - wrong or not - and cherish the small moments that will always be with me.

Mom's Garden

2007-07-03T08:23:00.000-05:00

When I first started doing photography, more than five years ago now, I always wanted to take shots of my mom's garden. Her garden is magical, and her and my sister tend to it with a loving touch that brings the garden to life.

However, it never really worked out. The shots never had any impact or really demonstrated the beauty of her garden.

I think I finally got a few.

Assignment

2007-07-02T08:38:00.000-05:00

Went out this morning on a self-imposed assignment. Take ten pictures - and only ten. No re-shots if I didn't get the exposure right (full manual mode, as usual), and no editing later on in Photoshop. I used the 5D and 35 1.4L. Ten shots, posted here, in full manual mode. It was fun.

The Blame Game

2007-06-16T09:36:00.000-05:00

The other day an old buddy of mine sent one of those general emails to a bunch of us. It’s one of the ones I usually delete, but for some reason I checked it out anyway. It was a series of videos from an interview with a guy named Yuri in the 80’s. He claimed to be ex-KGB, working for the Soviets on destroying America without using weapons.

Basically, he claimed to have been part of a massive, coordinated “mind-bomb” that destroyed America from within. He claimed to have basically corrupted the media, destroy American schools, and set along a path of moral corruption of our society.

They were interesting videos – but I don’t believe them for a moment. I mean – who is that guy? Yuri? Ex-KGB? Talk about delusions of grandeur…

Is there corruption in the government? Yes.

Is there corruption of the media? Yes.

Does the government control much of what we see in the media? Yes. (And if you think otherwise, just look at their policy toward media and military caskets – or look closely at the Pat Tillman case).

Do major corporations have way too much power in America? Yes.

Are the school systems a corrupt system designed to indoctrinate a population? More or less – yes.

Yet it’s not Yuri’s fault, Osama Bin Laden’s fault, or anyone else’s fault. It’s ours. And when I say “ours” I mean me. And you. And your friends, and everyone you know.

See – in this country, we have lots of problems. Deep, horrible, secret problems that we like to blame on everyone else.

Back in the day the President seemed to blame everything on gay marriage. “Gay marriage is causing the corruption of society!,” many leaders seemed to say.

Then gay bashing got old, and we moved on to something else.

Right now the great evil of the nation is illegal immigration. But let’s not forget that when they say “illegal immigration” they are really talking about any immigrants that don’t look like white folk.

The other day on the radio, as an ode to Father’s Day tomorrow, all the problems of society were blamed on fatherless families.

When there are no “hot topics” involved, it’s a lot of fun to blame liberals, right-wingers, secular progressives, pro-life, pro-choice, religion, Janet Jackson’s breasts, or any of a dozen other things I can list right here.

So what’s my point? My point is that we (and that I mean me too), should stop blaming others in general terms. We’re not screwed up as a nation because of Yuri and his beer buddies. We’re screwed up as a nation because of apathy – because we’re always blaming others. “If only the democrats had control of the House and Senate! Then things will be different!”

Remember that? I cheered that morning, when the Democrats won, pumping my fist in the air, cheering for “my side” like it was a football game.

What has it done? What the hell have the Democrats done since?

This squirrel is not the root of America's problems...

It makes me realize, just like Howard Zinn believes, politicians in power don’t change things.

We do.

Remember the civil rights movements? What was the government and the so-called “leaders” of this country doing to improve the rights of the minority population of America? NOTHING. They, in fact, opposed doing anything at all – until millions of people were marching and rioting in the streets.

Finally they said, “Shit – some guy just set himself on fire on our front lawn – this sucks!”

So don’t get stuck in the blame game. Don’t tell people we’re a screwed up nation because that guy down the street with the “pro-life” sign in his yard is corrupting America. Don’t blame him, and don’t even blame George Bush.

Look in the mirror. Evaluate your belief system. Talk to people about a positive vision of the future.

And sooner or later, when more and more people see that there IS hope in this world, and that the politicians and corporations are actually very, very afraid of us, then maybe one day we can rattle some cages and make some real changes in this world.

Out of Retirement

2007-06-08T09:01:00.000-05:00

You know it's serious "old-school" time when I put on this hat. It's old and worn out. It's not very attractive with the crusties. But it's still my favorite hat of all time, and it was only appropriate to bring it out of retirement for the Hatebreed, God Forbid, Terror, and Evergreen Terrace show last night. Match that with my old red jersey, and I was having a serious feeling of nostalgia.

As I sit here, the ringing in my ears is JUST starting to go away. I have some aches and bruises too, but it was all worth it. The concert might have been the best I've ever witnessed.

You know it's going to be special when Terror is the opening act. These guys could probably headline, and here they are opening. They came on stage to a still-arriving and "cold" crowd and quickly whipped the room into a frenzy. Seriously - within a few minutes the pit formed, heads were whipping back and forth, and it seemed like the last song of the night when everyone goes "all-out."

It was almost like Terror was setting the bar for the other bands - and I didn't think Evergreen had a chance. I was wrong. The lead singer, a skinny blond-haired guy, came on stage and destroyed the place. The band itself was very cool live, and just kept the intensity up the entire set. It was awesome.

God Forbid was next, and by then, the crowd was ravenous. When they walked on stage, the roar of the crowd was terrifying, and God Forbid absolutely blew that place up.

I thought I had given up the pit. I really, honestly thought I would never get back in it, but when my buddy Eric said "I'm going in" sometime in the middle of God Forbid's set, I didn't even hesitate.

Over the years the pit has seemed to change. It went from a brutal, brotherly game of football without rules, helmets, or time outs to wiry little guys running through the pit throwing their fists all over the place. I hated how it had changed, and match that with my much older and slow-to-heal body, and I thought I had retired.

Last night, though, was the pit of old. The pit I love.

If you don't understand the pit, you never will. Don't even try - because it really is just a black or white issue. You either love it or you hate it.

I love it.

The mosh pit is something that on the outside is completely ridiculous, dangerous, completely stupid, and probably should be illegal. Inside the pit, however, things are different. You're part of a hardcore group doing something so brutal most people wouldn't even consider it.

There is nothing else that matches true hardcore heavy metal than the feeling of the pit - getting in there, bashing each other, screaming in the swirling, uncontrollable chaos. We get in there and put the hurt on each other -trying to out-slam the other guys, trying to stay standing, trying to breathe... and loving every second of it. When one of us falls, there is quickly a mass of people around to help you back up, giving you a pat on the back and a "go-get-em" look as they push you back out into the madness whether you want to or not.

Last night's pit was awe-inspiring, and God Forbid pushed us to what I thought was our max.

That was until Hatebreed came out.

Hatebreed put on a performance I will not forget. It was one of the most intense, heavy, and mind-blowing shows I've ever even imagined. The pit never stopped, and the intensity just kept building. They played new stuff and old, and the entire room was completely out-of-control.

Half-way during "DESTROY EVERYTHING," the pit was pure uncontrolled craziness, and I got completely destroyed (getting old sucks). My hat flew off, and I remember, on my way down, thinking "well, at least I lost that hat at a Hatebreed show."

Amazingly, however, a hand reached down to help me up, and it was Matt - a student I had my first year teaching. Matt was a "troubled" kid - although he had a big heart, he also had a lot of baggage, coming from a group home and had some serious problems with anger management. He and I didn't always see eye-to-eye, and I was tough on him sometimes, but he came back to see me a few years after that just to tell me how much I meant to him.

So here he was at the Hatebreed concert, his shirt off, showing off some tattoos, helping me off the floor. In his other hand was my hat. He threw it on my head, said "I love you, Z!" and after a quick hug, we launched ourselves right back into the pit.

Unforgettable.

Boxed In

2007-06-04T08:16:00.000-05:00

You know - lately I've felt a bit boxed in creatively. I've been so busy with school and weddings, I haven't really had the chance to go out and be creative with some cool landscapes. The weddings are a good source of creative output - but the pressure and breakneck pace of the day isn't relaxing at all.

Now that it's summer, I hope I can take some time between weddings, classes, and other engagements to get out there in the Element, my windows down, chasing the light across the Nebraska landscape.

Maybe then I'll post more.

One More

2007-05-21T05:40:00.000-05:00

I forgot to post an "action" shot from the Living Garden. Here it is.

The Living Garden and My New Lens

2007-05-20T14:42:00.000-05:00

These are all with my new 70-200 2.8 L IS lens. In photography, sometimes you get what you pay for.

This lens is one of those times.

Congrats

2007-05-05T21:34:00.000-05:00

Saturday, May 5th. It will forever be a special day. My friend, Zach, was married today. I can't express how glad I am that I was part of his day - taking photographs throughout and hanging out with him before the big event. He's a special friend to me. If there was one person besides my wife I would turn to in a time of need, it would be him.

Zach and I have been there through some important changes in our lives. We've been there for each other, always talking about important things like world politics and some very unimportant things like Magic the Gathering and Halo.

I remember him at my wedding, smiling and enjoying the night with me. I am thankful I was also able to be a part of his night.

Here are a few, quick shots before bed.

Wedding Season Experiments

2007-04-25T18:25:00.000-05:00

It's here. Wedding Season. It's going to be our biggest season yet with weddings almost every week. The first wedding of the season was two weeks ago, and thanks to our new computer and Adobe Lightroom, I'm nearly done editing.

However, as I have looked through the vast amount of photos we've taken, I wanted to take some time to do something different. Here are four different experiments using Photoshop to alter the look and feel of the photos.

Some might not like them at all - but I think they add something special to the overall look of the wedding day, and gives us some options to show people our Photoshop skills. I have some aged effects, some color shifts with curves adjustments, borders, and a high-key effect. All are new experiments, but I think I like the way they are turning out. I would never do an entire wedding edited this way, but it's fun to get creative.

Blurred

2007-04-23T05:59:00.000-05:00

As of yesterday, this is what the world looked like to me. If you don't know why, all you have to really know right now is that I was almost suspended and my principal was almost fired, all because my newspaper students published articles that a few people didn't want published.

Last night was the first real night of sleep I've had in weeks - or so it seems. I was even an hour late to parent-teacher conferences because I was walking around in a fog, not really knowing what time or day it was.

Yet - yesterday was one of the most productive days I've had in a long time, and I'm feeling back on track. I'm invigorated by the way my students acted in the face of harsh criticism, and I'm reminded constantly that I have many good friends around me. My wife, through all of this, has been the most supportive person on Earth. If you haven't read her blog, www.poemfish.typepad.com , then you need to. Her blog not only describes the situation I found myself in, but as you read the archives, you will not find any more honest, intelligent, well-written thoughts anywhere else. In the few minutes that I thought I actually might lose my job, it was a surreal experience to realize that everything would be OK - because I had her in my life.

The Omaha Project

2007-04-07T12:05:00.001-05:00

http://theomahaproject.blogspot.com/

Editors

2007-04-03T21:16:00.000-05:00

These are my two yearbook editors this year. They call the shots and make the decisions. It's probaby the first year that the student editors have made ALL the decisions regarding the yearbook.

They are both seniors - and will be missed.

Macro

2007-03-31T11:55:00.000-05:00

My first experience with the 100 f/2.8 macro has been amazing. I've only had it for a day, but I already am thrilled by the possibilities. There's a whole other world out there I haven't even begun to photograph...

Snapshots

2007-03-21T18:32:00.000-05:00

These two photos are the very definition of "snapshots." During our last photoshoot, there were several instances where I saw something cool outside of of the portraits we were taking. So I adjusted my ISO, changed my shutter and aperture, focused, and shot one or two quick shots. And... well... I love them. The first one has an amazing amount of detail. The full resolution shot at the highest quality has detail I never knew existed in the safe before I zoomed in with Adobe Lightroom. The second shows how capable the 5D is with ISO 3200 selected.

Cool, fun stuff.

More Polarizer Magic...

2007-03-21T18:19:00.000-05:00

The polarizer comes through again. I can't believe I didn't have this thing in my bag for years. It's definitely going with me everywhere I go , from this point on.

.

Polarizer

2007-03-18T07:37:00.000-05:00

I recently got my $80 circular polarizer out, remembering how it used to darken the blues in the skies back in my film days. I'd mostly use it in black and whites to create some dramatic blacks in the sky, and I thought I'd put it to use on my 5D with some photos on a great, blue-sky day.

The two photos above are not adjusted in photoshop at all. The only difference between the two are a quick shift in the circular polarizer, deepening the blues. I'd forgotten how good of a job the polarizer does of it...

This one allowed me to get a great exposure on the statue's face, yet still keep a deep, dark blue in the sky.

In this one, the tombstone had a touching, heart-breaking photograph of an infant. Without the polarizer, there would have been a glossy sheen to the photograph inset, and the glare would have obscured detail. With the polarizer, a little turn takes it all away.

I'd forgotten how cool a polarizer could be, and I'll definitely be using it more soon.

Chicago

2007-03-13T19:11:00.000-05:00

Tonight is the first time I really missed my friend Zach. He moved to Chicago recently, and while I wished him the best and knew he'd be successful at whatever he wanted to do, I didn't really miss him. I mean - Chicago is only six hours or so away - that's not too bad, right?

But tonight, while I was grilling chicken and steak in our amazing weather we're having, I had an urge to pick up the phone and invite him over. I had to stop and realize he wouldn't be able to do that.
For the first time, I felt bummed out.

Here he is, at the top photo in his first art show (he had the coolest stuff, although he didn't sell anything). In the middle he's posing with his amazing girfriend, Emily, and at the bottom is Zach, immortalized, in one of my favorite all-time photos during a trip across Nebraska.

I know he'll always be my friend, and I can't wait to take the time to get out there and visit him and let him show me Chicago... but it's sad that he can't just stop by for a game of Magic, some dinner, and some great conversation about politics, science, and UFC.

He's in Chicago now, venturing to be a photographer.

Good luck, Zach. I have a feeling you'll amaze even yourself.

The Blizzard and the Element

2007-03-02T19:43:00.000-06:00

So, I had a few hours to get out there and take some photos of the great "BLIZZARD OF 2007" - according to all the local news stations. We had a lot of snow - but I still wouldn't say it was a "blizzard." For me, a blizzard has to shut down a town for say, at least a week.

I had a few hours to spare, and thought I'd get out there and find some photos. I did find a few - but I didn't have the right shoes on. Amazingly, I forgot to put on my boots, so I had only my flimsy tennis shoes to protect me from the knee-high drifts. Therefore, what you see was taken from my vehicle's window.

And that brings me to the point of this post - the Honda Element ROCKS. Really - I was going down some roads I didn't even know where the road was. It just kept going. Not once did I ever feel like I was in trouble... unless you count the time when I couldn't see the road at all because of all the swirling snow... but we won't count that. That's driver error.

As a photographer, it's nice to have the Element, allowing me the confidence to get where I want to be. These shots wouldn't even have been possible without it, so they are dear to me regardless of their artistic merit.

Snowfall

2007-02-25T07:43:00.000-06:00

With much deliberation I decided to get out and photograph downtown Omaha just after a snowfall. I just missed the heavy snow, but that's OK - it would have only made me wipe down my lens over and over again.

I was interested to see what I could do hand-holding the camera that late at night (around 11:00). It was bright downtown, the light bouncing between the snow and the sky - and the image stabilization helped me out too.

In this situation, though, there is a trade-off. I had to shoot at ISO1600 at some pretty extreme settings (always at maximum aperture and, at times, 1/5 of a second on the shutter), so the shots are all slightly grainy - some to the point where it's distracting.

It was fun, though. I just took the camera out and didn't really care about the specifics of how damaged the final print might be (after all, I did have my tripod with me - I just chose not to use it), and I just walked around the snowy landscape taking photos.

Drifting

2007-02-13T11:49:00.000-06:00

It was so cold I could barely feel the shutter release button on my camera, I couldn't really focus because of all the snow dusting into my eyes, and I almost lost my hat. But it was fun, and it was worth it.